The Morning After

I thought I would wake up this morning and be aghast at the mindless spew of despair I posted last night. But I'm not. I feel exactly the same.
I just want to know how it all stops and starts, and how to control the two, because I think a lot of people have a handle on this, and I definitely don't. I can't quite grasp the moment when I started to grow up or if I have even started. Having my children would have seemed to be said moment, but I know you don't have to be any sort of adult to give birth. Once you get home with the baby (duplicates in my case) it kind of sinks in. 'Dear God, what do I do with them?' And he either answers you or...not.
I'm glad this is just another anonymous place, because while I'm writing all of this I'm thinking to myself that's it's all insane. But nobody cares if you're insane if they don't know who you are.
I just need to blather on, because I don't have a counselor and friends, God love them, even they get sick of you now and then. The best ones are the ones who steadfastly refuse to admit it. I have been a black hole for the past few weeks, regurgitating all this nonsense about unrequited and misguided love, and depression, and utter misery, and they just say, that's okay, even if they've been letting the phone sit on the table while I talked for an hour. The best friends in the world.
Perhaps that's enough for now, I sound like an idiot and feel it too.